Finding My Other Half

Last May I went to Camp Grounded.

It's kind of like Burning Man, except shorter, in the woods instead of the desert, and without any drugs or alcohol. Summer camp for grown-ups.

I just got a letter in the mail, one I had written by hand on the last morning of camp, addressed to me - my future self. It was enough to move me to fire up the old blog after nearly three years (oh god) of inactivity.

Dear Onyx,

I'm at camp. I don't know what to say, really. But I'll just keep writing till something comes out.

Just, good luck out there in the real world. Maybe we'll come back to camp sometime to try the next level. Maybe we'll be ready for a sweat lodge then. Or maybe we'll be learning the same lessons again, but deeper. What I really hope, though, is that you are inspired to be the person you felt glimmers of at camp, that singing, dancing, naturing, connecting, hugging, facilitating person doing what fills him up and then sharing that overflowing energy with the people around him.

You did make an impact, memorable positive traces in quite a number of people, even if you don't know who they are and they don't know you. You can have so much to give you don't need anything in return, you just want to share. When you drop the fear of rejection, the belief in unworthiness, nothing bad happens. You just feel better because you don't feel the pain of holding yourself back, just the soreness of new mental muscles you have not often exercised.

That sweat lodge. It sounds so scary. Maybe the sword needs more hammering before it is roasted and then plunged into the ice water. That's okay. There's no need to complete now. No need to finish the journey. Not every step has to be taken at once. The steps are useful because they each happen at a different time, and place.

I'm so glad to have a supportive, pretty wise subconscious for a teacher, if I may say so myself. Thank you. I love you. You are a great subconscious, by the way, and so many people would be lucky to have you.

I love you. It's okay.

I am grateful for the relationship we have, verbal mind to visual, intuitive, creative, insightful, elegant, brilliant, sensitive, loving, visionary, compassionate, and many other words, I'm sure. I'm so grateful to be sharing my life with you. We're going to live an amazing life together. It's going to be great, and terrible, but mostly great. I want to make space for you in our life, the space you need and deserve to flourish and make our life, and the lives of those around us, great.

Love,
Onyx

As I wrote the last paragraph, I found tears streaming down my face and I was struck by the tangible sense that there were two distinct beings inhabiting my consciousness and that they - we - were lovers. Verbal and nonverbal. Conscious and subconscious. Critical and creative. Masculine and feminine.

My nonverbal self had felt so trapped and neglected, and it took this intense, three-day camp experience to realize that I was being a bad boyfriend to my feminine self, and that I was suffering greatly for it.

Of course, awareness is only the first step. Only now, nine months later am I beginning to put into practice some of the tangible changes that I have been so desperately needing.

If you are wondering what may have happened in the last few years to cause such an imbalance in the first place, you may find some clues here and here. :p

Camp Grounded has another session coming up in May, if you'd like to experience it for yourself. Sadly, this may be the final session of Camp Grounded, as the founder, Levi Felix (aka Fidget) succumbed to brain cancer earlier this year.

If you're at all interested, make sure to sign up soon!

See you there. ;)